Apartment Living

So at one time or another some of us have found ourselves living in apartment blocks…i know some of you think an apartment is the pricey upmarket building blocks that a majority of us cannot afford. Well, that is not entirely true. Let us look at the definition of the word apartment from thefreedictionary.com. An apartment is a room or suite of rooms designed as a residence and generally located in a building occupied by more than one household.

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Now that we got that one cleared out let’s move on

Correct me if I’m wrong, the human growth cycle revolves around being born >school going years > adult hood (this is when you get a job and move out of home)> middle age >old age and so on and so forth.

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When we are at the adulthood stage we realize we can’t live at home mostly due to the nature of our “extra curriculum” (am sure you know what I mean by that) activities. So most of us pack our belongings as little as they are at that particular time, look for a servant’s quarter and start the “all independent” lifestyle. As time go by we get tired of living in an SQ could be because there is no distinction between the living room, the kitchen and the bedroom or now we have managed to save some cash or better still gotten better jobs we feel it’s about time we get the sofa set we’ve been eyeing for a while so the next move is to an apartment or flats as we call them here in Kenya.

There is always something good, bad, disgusting, or illegal going on in these apartments. It doesn’t matter if the person responsible Is the upstairs or downstairs neighbor, the watchman or the caretaker.

I have managed to classify some of the inhabitants of these apartment buildings;

There are the loafers: – those who have an apartment but somebody else- like Mom & Dad or clande paying for it

The crashers: – those that has no apartment and mooched for a place to “crash” for the night.

 King Julien (The party animal) – These are usually the loud ones every day at any time of the day, or night for that matter is a party time. Most of the time this group lives in a pack of two to four people in the house.

The racketeers: – There is always some type of noise coming from this lot it could be they decided to walk around their house like the giant in jack and the beanstalk storybook- which is very annoying if you are living in the house below them, or the baby crying, or they simply have visitors who have decided to share their stories not forgetting laughter with the entire neighborhood.

 
The horticulturist: – everybody knows this chic she has at least three pot plants and they are at least 4′ tall. These potted plants would be everywhere in the house, balcony at the door on the stair landing etc.

The motor head: – the one that is always wrenching on his muscle car- mostly a Subaru. Thinks he deserves the best parking lot and would actually wake people up to move their cars from his spot.

The Casanova: – who thinks he is God’s gift to women. There Is always a bevy of babes going in and out that door, funny thing is they all know they are being played but no one seems to bother.

The nosy one: – this spot is usually taken by the watchman or the caretaker of the building. They know everyone and everything about them. What time the guy in house 2a wakes up, what time he leaves and have you noticed recently he’s been hanging out with the chic in house 3b?

A certain guy’s girlfriend flew out of the country to go visit a sister for 2 months and the guy decided to indulge in some chips funga affairs. Two months later, when the chic came back she met the watchman at the gate and he was so helpful to volunteer some unsolicited info he went like, “heeee na siku hizi siunatokaga kwa nyumba mapema!! Mpaka nilikua nashangaa Kama ni kazi umepata kwingine nini kwasababu ata siku hizi nakuona na uniform ya Kenya Airways”. Granted that info might have been given out without malice but then again aiiiiii!!!!

This list is just but a few that I could come up with. We all have our funny and horror stories of living in these apartments but that is story for another day.

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Lessons from my boarding school- Survivors of Institutional Abuse series- Part 1

Most of our parents preferred to take their kids to boarding schools I guess because they thought they were better schools and kids had more time to read as opposed to day schools…well whatever their reasons most of us ended up in boarding schools. Life in boarding school changed me and shaped the foundation for the life I have as an adult. The Lessons learnt include;

Disclaimer: Do not expect to hear stuff about biology and organic chemistry here.

 

Lesson # 1

Learn to eat “exotic” food: (read weevils) All through my high school life the menu for  lunch never changed, be it a Monday or a Sunday we always had  “Githeri ala weevils” for lunch. The weevils  came floating in all shapes and sizes of all shapes and size so you had to acquire…. and fast…the taste of this delicacy.

 

Lesson # 2

Learn to do chores: Now at this point you should know am the last born in a family where the second last born is 6 years older than me so am used to having things done for me. You can imagine the shock I had when I had to clean floors and toilets, empty dustbins e.t.c e.t.c I came out of that school an all-round girl believe you me I can even unblock the drainage when need be. Don’t call the police just yet, this was not child labour… nooo…we were simply working for our food.

 

Lesson # 3

Learn to keep time: Ahem… (Clears throat) we all remember

 the wakeup call from boarding school be it the bell or the matron/prefect blowing a whistle. Ours was the bell and boy wasn’t it a loud one! We had morning preps where we had to be in class by  5:30 am then go for breakfast at around 7 we would then go do our chores and report back to class by 8am. For this to sink in I feel i must first explain the distance we had to walk from the classrooms to the dining hall and the dormitories; it was about a 15- 20 mins walk I sure hope they got bodabodas for the girls by now…its no wonder most of us were skinny. Back to lesson # 3, so u take 20 mins walking to the dorm pick your cup, take about 5 minutes in the dorm. It takes another 5 minutes to walk to the DH, queue for your breakfast for about 10 mins take your breakfast in 5 mins…so far we have utilized 40 mins of the one hour that we have before heading back to class. You are now only left with 20 mins that you have to do your chores and rush to class, I did mention the walk to class from the dorm section is 15- 20 mins? Do the mathematics.

 

Lesson # 4

Learn to keep your “enemies” (read prefects) closer: some of us went through school without having being prefects. Ours school prefects elections were as democratic as the 2007 general elections where some girls were rigged in by our “well meaning” teachers. C’mon now you don’t expect the teachers to respect the judgment of a couple of teenagers now do you? Now, some of these prefects had the authority to hand out punishments now this is where friendship comes in handy and as much as everyone hated the DH Captain, you really had to keep her close so as she can share all the privileges she enjoys like more fruits, fried food e.t.c- get my drift?

 

Lesson # 5

Learn to be the master of hide and seek: As you can guess by now from my lesson # 3 this is a skill that you had to acquire to perfection especially when you decide to skive morning preps. Take for example my naughty cube mate and I came up with the technique of hiding behind the window curtains and ceilings whenever the matron will do her morning rounds. I now wonder why we even skived in the first place because we spent the whole time hiding rather than sleeping as intended.

 

To be continued……

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Do your breasts get in the way?

B’wana Beast: How you doing?

Zatanna: (notices his stare) my legs are fine….as is the rest of me (points to her face) Up here

B’wana Beast: Whoa! She’s got the fire of the cheetah in her! (Snarls)

Zatanna: (to Batman, annoyed) why are you doing this to me?

–          Justice League Unlimited, “This little Piggy”

What do model train sets and women’s breasts have in common? Well, both are intended for children, but it’s their fathers who always end up playing with them. They are nature’s original milk jugs, mounds of flesh that come in various shapes and sizes and can be dressed in an array of fabrics and designs.

For centuries now women have been “complaining” (notice dudes rolling their eyes at this point)- back to my point -complaining about men ogling at their breasts, especially if the woman has gag boobs.

With or without cleavage windows or vapor wear outfits, breasts have been a huge attraction to men, they tend to meet our boobs before they actually meet us.

Ladies- Have you ever tried to make a serious point to a male counterpart and they are busy checking out your boobs instead of listening to you? I knew most chics are gonna relate with this topic!!

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According to Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution, we subconsciously select partners who are healthy and appear capable of reproduction- all of which explains why the frail Darwin had so much time to write books rather than go out on a date. According to his research, men are attracted to bosoms- especially the more shapely variety because they are indicative of a strong constitution and an ability to further propagate the species.

There is this article I read a couple of days ago, about a woman called Janet Hall, a 31- year old who used her boobs to lure a 50- year old man into an assault and robbery. Who needs a gun when you have boobs? So this old man was leaving a pub when he saw Janet who flashed her boobs. Blinded by titties, he followed her into an alley…..and you probably can imagine what happened next. Moral of the story – fellas, don’t let womanly wares cloud your judgment, even if they’re unexpectedly beckoning you as you leave the pub.

I developed them at about when I was 12 years…yeah been living with these babies for all this time….so yesterday as I was busy doing a presentation to a room full of men I couldn’t help but notice none of them heard what I had to say no, they were busy looking at my other “presentation”.

I have come to the conclusion that as we get pissed off of such lewd attention to our breasts, we should also celebrate them and enjoy the attention while it lasts because men’s attraction to them is simultaneously physical, psychological and societal and there is pretty much nothing we can do about it.

Therefore, go out celebrate the breasts.

 In fact go out and celebrate a pair of them!

 

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